We live in a culture that despises conflict, but loves drama. We think that conflict means that someone is right and someone is wrong. That’s wrong.

Alison and I found out early in our marriage that we are terrible at fighting. My tactic in life, not just in marriage, is to only take up the fights that I think are worth it. If I don’t think I can make a change, then I don’t bother. The problem with that is that it builds up pressure that eventually has to be released. When we sit down and talk through the conflict, we’re much more successful in getting through it.

Conflict in your marriage is actually a great tool to refine and strengthen your relationship.

• Conflict highlights areas of disunity. Unity in marriage is vitally important, and disunity will destroy you faster than anything. The trick to getting rid of disunity is to both know what it is and then do something about it. Conflict gives you a chance to figure out why you aren’t united and to fix it.
• Conflict gives helpful feedback about perceptions. We have perceptions about all sorts of things. Sometimes we don’t know how our wife perceives us. I may think that Alison views me as an outstanding husband, but in a fight if she gives me a litany of the things I’ve done wrong in our relationship, I can finally face the truth and correct. It’s helpful feedback, not positive feedback.
• Conflict between mature adults leads to positive outcomes. A fight in high school between best friends could lead to extreme negative outcomes. As two mature adults, you can sit down and work through an issue without worrying about revenge. This conflict isn’t about her or me, it’s about us. This is how we can make us better.

Avoiding conflict in your marriage is a bad idea. Pent up anger leads to resentment and resentment is a wedge that can drive you both apart. Carrying around all of that resentment is too much of a burden. You need each other! So fight with your wife and work it out!

Tags: Communication